JEM

forgive the mess coming up right here



the few people i trusted, that i actually cared about have.. well i have other things i want to waste my time thinking about.

i guess it just sucks. the reason i freaked out was cuz i cared about these people! i dont trust alot of people. i dont tell peolpe things unless i really trust them. i was comfortable with having a small group of friends. after years of trying to be friends with everyone, i found a small group of people id much rather be wih. we are so much alike. but not even some similarities can keep people together. i honestly dont care about being alone this year. i am done with trusting people. the one person i trust is eden. she knows everything about me, and i honestly trust her with everything i own. maybe my problem is i put too much heart into my friendships. i just regret spending all my time chasing people who in the end turned out to only blame me. at least i admitted my faults. i didnt even want them to admit their faults. i just wanted to be included. and what do i get? sarcastic remarks about wanting to know everything. no. thats not what i asked. i just asked to be invited. to feel included. i wasnt. and no, i didnt invite them anywhere. imsorry but you guys are always together. even if you dont think you are doing anything you are at least together. but i guess i dont get invited. well you had to invite eachother? i dont really get it... ugh. this is like a relative died or something. but i am the only one that cares! god! everything i say is just fodder for sarcasm! i care too much. i loved you guys. you were like siblings. except i told you more. is friendship only something deep to me? i dont understand why i am the only one who seems to be effected by this? maybe im just being emotional? maybe im just caring? maybe im just full of myself? but im the one who cared about you guys. dont lie to yourself and say you cared. you didnt. i wish you would have. no one texted me, called, tweeted @me for a fucking week straight. i feel like bianca on 10 things, trying to be chastity's best friend. and in my defence, i did that to see if anyone would text me or call, or care. im done. and im embarrassed that ive spent this long writing about it like a little girl. this wont be published, in fact this will probably be deleted. i feel really fucking stupid, and sad. i could cry. but im gonna go solo this year. i wish eden would come to k-m this year :( ill work on my art more. and ill take some tuesdays and thursdays off to spend with eden. and ill save up to go to the brand new/manchester orchestra and regina spektor concerts by myself. i hope lindsey does go. bah she is probably reading this :P i always forget that someone actually reads this :) hehe, hi :) im looking forward to going, especially if lindsey goes, cuz she is super awesome. ill spend lunch in the art room i think. doing extra work (artwork that is). i know i may be a drama king. but im not going to get involved with that, cuz ill just have eden, and.. come to think of it, we have never gotten in a fight. we have those times where im a dumb ass who doesnt stay in touch, but she forgives me. and i know she trusts me. and she tells me a lot (i dont know if there is anything she doesnt tell me..) :) i take friendship very seriously, but when you do that, you end up with people like eden :) ugh. i know i can do this. ugh im so cheesy :)

i strongly believe in the power of karma. if i looked how i acted, id be a priest.


not that im perfect. mistakes are for everyone.

ok im done being a fool. i have to remember to delete this post.